There’s a trick I never learned.
My sides don’t match, you see.
I’m drawn to interesting people. We all have different sides, forming the whole that is our full personality. Most people share only selected sides with specific groups of people, but generally our front-facing persona is somewhat in line with the rest.
But the sides that make up our person are not like the sides of a cube, even and well-formed. They’re more like tectonic plates, thin layers drifting on a molten core. Some people have well-aligned plates, with few fault lines and little inner tension. Others are full of shattering collisions and volcanic separations, when their different parts just don’t quite fit together.
My parts don’t fit together at all.
They make no sense in conjuction with one another.
It’s not so much that I’m different. You can be a geeky gamer nerd. You can be a literary comparativist with an obsession for abstract theorizing. You can be a powerlifting gym rat and a Black Milk sharkie and an experimental cook with an obsession with cupcakes. You can be a writer, an editor, a driven professional with a passion for industry-relevant content marketing, yet critical of it at the same time and deeply suspicious of marketing in general. A contributor and critic. Participant and observer. Shy and direct. And you can be the boundary-breaking, gender-norm-bending, sex-positive relationship anarcho-feminist, while both breaking and conforming to a wide range of norms. A science-focused humanist can still be a natural-birth-and-breastfeeding hippie mom. Idealist and pragmatist. Optimistic cynic.
I can be outspoken, uninhibited and do my best to be emotionally responsible. And still I’m terribly bad at putting feelings into words, and reluctant to let anyone but a select few people close to me.
I’m brutally honest, and naturally evasive. Analytical to a fault, yet abstract to the point of obscurity.
It can get a bit confusing…
To some, I am childlike, passionate, outgoing, and charming.
To others, I am reserved, quiet, calculating, and distant.
Naive and cynical. Tender-hearted and ruthless. Insightful and clueless.
I get worn out by my own contradictions, desperate to simplify my life.
But there is no simplifying who I am.
Collisions are inevitable.