Photo from http://www.focusedonlight.com/
I met a person from my past the other day. Someone I haven’t seen for twenty years.
I practically grew up in his house. His family was like a foster family to me. His sister and I were inseparable.
We grew up together. I don’t know him at all.
Such a strange disconnect.
It’s led me to think about the past. People I knew. People I’ve lost contact with. Some I miss, some I don’t. With some I have no idea if they’re even still alive…
There are a couple of people who meant the world to me, that I stopped talking to along the way… for stupid reasons or no reason at all. Fear. Distraction. Confusion. People I wish I could talk to, just to feel the familiar patterns of their minds play against my own. The ones that still evoke a smile and a sigh, and I wish I could hear their voices again but don’t think I can. Those are the sore spots in my heart. The ones I brush over lightly, with aching tenderness, entirely unbecoming a cynic like myself. On dark, oppressive winter days like this, those are the ones I miss.
There are a couple of people I am glad to be rid of. People I expressly, and repeatedly, asked to leave me alone. The clingers. The stalkers. The ones who turned to threats and manipulation when they couldn’t get their way. But I don’t think of them much. I don’t think much of them, either. There is a line that is crossed when threats enter the picture. I can forgive, but I don’t forget.
And then there are all the people whose lives have touched mine. Old friends. Their families. Classmates. Coworkers. People I practiced TKD or BJJ or boxing with. People I gamed with.
My old LiveJournal friends. A special group of beautiful souls that will always have a place in my heart. Ta, Melyssa, Merry, Jer, Eylul, Elina… the ones whose creativity and passion sparked my own. The Finnish forest sprite. The lush womanwitch. The haunted ones. The ones whose raw confessions mirrored mine.
I miss them all.
All the people who have brought me where I am today. Living a life I have constructed out of all my favourite things, my surface smoothed to hide the transform faults in my identity. On most days I am joyously confident and delighted with this.
But today is one of those days…
I am loved. I love. I am grateful and happy and so so humbled by the kindness in my life. But I am also growing older, and I am acutely aware of how much loss I have yet in store.
Loss and bounty. Life and love.
Big stuff in my brain today.