I take my happiness where I find it. These days, it is all around me.
There’s a trick I never learned.
My sides don’t match, you see.
I’m drawn to interesting people. We all have different sides, forming the whole that is our full personality. Most people share only selected sides with specific groups of people, but generally our front-facing persona is somewhat in line with the rest.
But the sides that make up our person are not like the sides of a cube, even and well-formed. They’re more like tectonic plates, thin layers drifting on a molten core. Some people have well-aligned plates, with few fault lines and little inner tension. Others are full of shattering collisions and volcanic separations, when their different parts just don’t quite fit together.
My parts don’t fit together at all.
They make no sense in conjuction with one another.
It’s not so much that I’m different. You can be a geeky gamer nerd. You can be a literary comparativist with an obsession for abstract theorizing. You can be a powerlifting gym rat and a Black Milk sharkie and an experimental cook with an obsession with cupcakes. You can be a writer, an editor, a driven professional with a passion for industry-relevant content marketing, yet critical of it at the same time and deeply suspicious of marketing in general. A contributor and critic. Participant and observer. Shy and direct. And you can be the boundary-breaking, gender-norm-bending, sex-positive relationship anarcho-feminist, while both breaking and conforming to a wide range of norms. A science-focused humanist can still be a natural-birth-and-breastfeeding hippie mom. Idealist and pragmatist. Optimistic cynic.
I can be outspoken, uninhibited and do my best to be emotionally responsible. And still I’m terribly bad at putting feelings into words, and reluctant to let anyone but a select few people close to me.
I’m brutally honest, and naturally evasive. Analytical to a fault, yet abstract to the point of obscurity.
It can get a bit confusing…
To some, I am childlike, passionate, outgoing, and charming.
To others, I am reserved, quiet, calculating, and distant.
Naive and cynical. Tender-hearted and ruthless. Insightful and clueless.
I get worn out by my own contradictions, desperate to simplify my life.
But there is no simplifying who I am.
Collisions are inevitable.
The first issue of Mathom House, ‘Humans’, launches today!
GO! GO! It costs only as much as you’re willing to pay (and if you’re not willing to pay, go and read one of the freebies!).
Creative Commons licence (Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives) is my personal favourite for Being Cool About Copyright on the Internet. It’s what we’re using. (If only some of my company’s less scrupulous competitors would attribute me for the marketing copy they steal -literally word for word- then I would be quite happy. It would also be hilarious.)
I had about 3 hours of sleep.
First insomniac spell in a long time.
Hákon’s back is messed up, so the only person to wake up, change and dress Hilmir and get everything ready this morning, was me. I have a million things to do at work, with a side of home & social calendar stretching toward midnight. And then another day of work – seminar – sleep. Friday is booked from the moment I wake up, and well into the wee hours of the morning, with something similar going for Saturday.
I need sleep.
In the immortal words of lolcat: No can haz.
I should probably talk about Numenera… I will, soon.
I am so excited about EVE: Valkyrie.
(No, seriously, you have no idea. It’s AMAZEBALLS. Yes, I said amazeballs. Deal with it. Because that is what EvE: Valkyrie is.)
Maybe, if you give me all your coffees, I will.
I am very excited.
I love (and am shamelessly showing off) the cover for the first issue, and I can’t wait to read the essays.
Humans is a fitting first theme.
It is spring. It is wet.
It suits me.
I love the role play campaign I’m running.
It’s a weekly thing. Berglaug, Becky, and Hákon are my players, and their dynamic has become a source of inspired hilarity.
Set in a city, with interwoven storylines of political conflict, magical mystery, and exploration, it tells the tale of three unusual heroes who blossom into something amazing.
Dylan, the flamboyant kleptomaniac who fell in love with the shadows.
Amara, the librarian with the unexpected thirst, and talent, for adventure.
Willow, the timorous klutz who discovers her feral nature… and likes it…
I’d love to write a story based on their adventures.
I’m finding more time to write, now and then. Which is strange, because time has become such a limited resource. My energy, too, flags with all I try to do. Some days, it’s all I can do to get through the basics.
It’s a good life. A full life.
I am growing, with all the pain and reward that entails.
Weather fluctuations. Snow and hail one day, then rain, then sun, then snow again. Every day is an exercise in wardrobe adjustment.
Finding a balance between my appetites and available time.
Work has been a rush of ambition and drive lately. Changing things around, working closely with interesting customers, getting a glimpse of potentially game-changing business alliances, collaborating with exciting innovations… lifelong geek that I am, I always have an opinion.
Spent a lot of time with friends, yummy food and watching things… Nanwich and American Hustle with Amanda. Mango chutney salmon and The Usual Suspects with Sandra. Dead Snow 2 and cheesy chicken chili with Mobus. Louisiana chicken and Da Vinci‘s Demons with Óskar. And Hákon and I even managed to finish season 5 of True Blood, finally…
Saturdays are children‘s party days. Last Saturday, we finally met Þórdís and Eiki‘s baby boy during his sister‘s 3 year old birthday. It was delightful to see how much she‘s grown, and to be reminded how incredibly small and fragile we are in the beginning. Cliché, perhaps, but poignantly true: they grow up so fast… Next Saturday is Þorkatla‘s 1 year old birthday. I can‘t believe it‘s been a year already.
In between, I lift things. I can feel myself getting stronger. I want to stay active. Going swimming with Hilmir, pole fitness with Amanda, going for the occasional solitary walk to clear my head… anything to keep moving. I love this momentum, and it‘s transferring into every aspect of my life.
You’d never guess I was an introvert by my social calendar.
My only ‘private time’ these days is in the gym. Which is hardly private, but I block out the world with music and single-minded focus. One more rep. Maintain posture.
I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine, about the ideal of happiness and actual happiness. If pursuing happiness is detrimental to your health, can it be happiness? It’s a pertinent question, especially to someone as relentless as me. I push myself too hard, but maybe the rewards are worth it?
A leap of faith is an exhilerating moment.
Unless you fall. Then it quickly loses its grandeur…
I lift heavy things and put them back down. Three times a week.
Then I climb up a pole, and contort myself in a hot room.
Powerlifting, pole fitness and hot yoga.
An odd combination, but I have always been eclectic.
It feels good to move.
Effortless motion, quick and controlled.
There’s no wasted energy, no inert mass weighing me down.
I can run like the wind.
Pull a dead weight chin-up or drop down for perfect-posture push-ups.
Flowing from sitting to standing as if pulled by a string, as if gravity had no hold on me.
It is a feeling of strength, vitality and control.
It’s a good feeling.
This is Hilmir’s second Christmas.
It’s also his second Christmas while he’s sick. Both times he’s been utterly miserable, with a fever and cough and limited appetite. Let’s hope the third time will be the charm.
This, like last time, is full of family. But, unlike last time, we’re also surrounded by our friends. We’ve managed to create this wonderful network of friends, from all sorts of unlikely corners of life. Life has never been so good.
The end-of-year round-up counts in Hilmir’s growth, with all the accompaniments. Motherhood is growing on me, slowly but surely. But that is far from the only thing. I’ve managed to stay healthy and fit, I’ve made so many wonderful new friends, strengthened bonds with older friends and made some surprising discoveries about myself in the process. I’ve taken up new interests, taken on new responsibilities at work, and learned a whole lot of advanced culinary skill.
What stands out the most are family and friends.
I am surrounded by amazing people.
I am so very grateful.
Resubbed to both EVE and WoW this month. God. Wasn‘t this supposed to be the NaNoWriMo? But no, the eternal timesink of pixellated nostalgia sucked me back in…
Not that I‘m complaining.
It‘s a good feeling. Sitting in my pajamas after Hilmir falls asleep, with Hákon at my side, trampling any digital entity unfortunate enough to land in our path. Team Awesome, back in the game. It‘s looking like a very cozy Christmas, if we can steal away some time just for the two of us.
We‘ve always been a great team. We love playing together. It‘s like we slip into this familiar mode, where we align, perfectly, to each other. Enabling each other to push harder, do more, each excelling with the support of the other. I love that feeling. Shared nerdgasms.
With WoW: Warlords, EQ Landmark, Torment: Tides of Numenera and Project: Eternity scheduled for release 2014, I have no doubt that there is plenty of gaming to be done next year. It‘s been a while since I was this excited about this many upcoming games.
Bring it on.