Pregnant

sonogram

My belly is swelling. (Along with other things).

I wanted another child. ETA 6 months, now.  I feel physically awful, yet excited. Grateful.

Tomorrow is my 33rd birthday.
That always brings on reminiscence.

I think what I can most consistently say about my life, is that I live it in the open, and yet parts of it are always hidden. My narrative is never complete. Of course, no one’s narrative is complete, but I hide things – compartmentalize things – more than most. Everything is arranged in boxes that don’t mix. And sometimes I lose a box, here or there. Find it, years later, to be dusted off and remembered.

So many things I’ve forgotten.

So many things I remember.

So much is yet to come.

Work and Play

Graenaborg03

Hilmir started preschool.
Or playschool, as the direct translation of the Icelandic word would be.

He’s cautious, but fearless, like a mountain climber moving without a safety line. He goes wherever he wants, but he does so carefully. The realities of the coming years break my heart. He’ll learn that people are largely unfair, selfish, and dishonest.

He’ll learn that it hurts to be open, honest, and willing to have faith in people.

But after a time, I hope he will also learn that it’s worth it.

I hope I will be a good role model for him.

Treasures

Pretty Norway

Family time in Norway, progress at powerlifting, and change. That’s pretty much how I would sum up my summer.

Tall ships in the Bergen harbour

The tall ships races in Bergen stand out. As does the gorgeous weather, wonderful time with family, and watching Hilmir explore the grounds I grew up in.

100kg deadlift
90kg squat

That’s the powerlifting update.

Now, I’m back at work. Hilmir is starting preschool. Hákon begins his third year in Pharmacology. One beloved friend moves back to Iceland, as another moves an ocean away. My father turns 60 this month. My sister is preparing her home for their new family member, scheduled to arrive in November.

Life is so full. So rich. I am profoundly grateful for my crazy combination of luck, privilege, and the hard work of both myself and the people around me, to ensure each others’ happiness and wellbeing. With all that is going on, in Gaza, in Ferguson, in Saudi Arabia, and just down the street, I know how rare and precious this happiness is.

I am grateful. And I intend to treasure every second of it.

 

Happiness

Hilmir feeding voffi

Hilmir feeding voffiCoffee. Oreo cheesecake ice cream. Kleinas dipped in chocolate. Running by the sea. Watching Hilmir learn to jump, screeching with excitement. New friends. Bright colours. Love.

I take my happiness where I find it. These days, it is all around me.

Momentous

There’s a trick I never learned.

Balance.

My sides don’t match, you see.

I’m drawn to interesting people. We all have different sides, forming the whole that is our full personality. Most people share only selected sides with specific groups of people, but generally our front-facing persona is somewhat in line with the rest.

But the sides that make up our person are not like the sides of a cube, even and well-formed. They’re more like tectonic plates, thin layers drifting on a molten core. Some people have well-aligned plates, with few fault lines and little inner tension. Others are full of shattering collisions and volcanic separations, when their different parts just don’t quite fit together.

My parts don’t fit together at all.
They make no sense in conjuction with one another.

It’s not so much that I’m different. You can be a geeky gamer nerd. You can be a literary comparativist with an obsession for abstract theorizing. You can be a powerlifting gym rat and a Black Milk sharkie and an experimental cook with an obsession with cupcakes. You can be a writer, an editor, a driven professional with a passion for industry-relevant content marketing, yet critical of it at the same time and deeply suspicious of marketing in general. A contributor and critic. Participant and observer. Shy and direct. And you can be the boundary-breaking, gender-norm-bending, sex-positive relationship anarcho-feminist, while both breaking and conforming to a wide range of norms. A science-focused humanist can still be a natural-birth-and-breastfeeding hippie mom. Idealist and pragmatist. Optimistic cynic.

I can be outspoken, uninhibited and do my best to be emotionally responsible. And still I’m terribly bad at putting feelings into words, and reluctant to let anyone but a select few people close to me.

I’m brutally honest, and naturally evasive. Analytical to a fault, yet abstract to the point of obscurity.

It can get a bit confusing…
To some, I am childlike, passionate, outgoing, and charming.
To others, I am reserved, quiet, calculating, and distant.

Naive and cynical. Tender-hearted and ruthless. Insightful and clueless.

I get worn out by my own contradictions, desperate to simplify my life.
But there is no simplifying who I am.
Collisions are inevitable.

Sleep is for the weak

apertureSCIENCE
apertureSCIENCE
Also, I got this as a gift.
Aperture Laboratories Staff Badge.
It has nothing to do with the rest of this post,
it’s just cool.

The first issue of Mathom House, ‘Humans’, launches today!

GO! GO! It costs only as much as you’re willing to pay (and if you’re not willing to pay, go and read one of the freebies!).

Creative Commons licence (Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives) is my personal favourite for Being Cool About Copyright on the Internet. It’s what we’re using. (If only some of my company’s less scrupulous competitors would attribute me for the marketing copy they steal -literally word for word- then I would be quite happy. It would also be hilarious.)

ANYWAY.

I had about 3 hours of sleep.
First insomniac spell in a long time.

Hákon’s back is messed up, so the only person to wake up, change and dress Hilmir and get everything ready this morning, was me. I have a million things to do at work, with a side of home & social calendar stretching toward midnight. And then another day of work – seminar – sleep. Friday is booked from the moment I wake up, and well into the wee hours of the morning, with something similar going for Saturday.

I need sleep.
In the immortal words of lolcat: No can haz.

I should probably talk about Numenera… I will, soon.

And Valkyrie.
I am so excited about EVE: Valkyrie.
(No, seriously, you have no idea. It’s AMAZEBALLS. Yes, I said amazeballs. Deal with it. Because that is what EvE: Valkyrie is.)

Maybe, if you give me all your coffees, I will.

Wet spring

Bára

It is spring. It is wet.
It suits me.

I love the role play campaign I’m running.

It’s a weekly thing. Berglaug, Becky, and Hákon are my players, and their dynamic has become a source of inspired hilarity.

Set in a city, with interwoven storylines of political conflict, magical mystery, and exploration, it tells the tale of three unusual heroes who blossom into something amazing.

Dylan, the flamboyant kleptomaniac who fell in love with the shadows.
Amara, the librarian with the unexpected thirst, and talent, for adventure.
Willow, the timorous klutz who discovers her feral nature… and likes it…

I’d love to write a story based on their adventures.

I’m finding more time to write, now and then. Which is strange, because time has become such a limited resource. My energy, too, flags with all I try to do. Some days, it’s all I can do to get through the basics.

It’s a good life. A full life.
I am growing, with all the pain and reward that entails.

A thousand little things

Weather fluctuations. Snow and hail one day, then rain, then sun, then snow again. Every day is an exercise in wardrobe adjustment.

Finding a balance between my appetites and available time.

Work has been a rush of ambition and drive lately. Changing things around, working closely with interesting customers, getting a glimpse of potentially game-changing business alliances, collaborating with exciting innovations… lifelong geek that I am, I always have an opinion.

Spent a lot of time with friends, yummy food and watching things… Nanwich and American Hustle with Amanda. Mango chutney salmon and The Usual Suspects with Sandra. Dead Snow 2 and cheesy chicken chili with Mobus. Louisiana chicken and Da Vinci‘s Demons with Óskar. And Hákon and I even managed to finish season 5 of True Blood, finally…

Saturdays are children‘s party days. Last Saturday, we finally met Þórdís and Eiki‘s baby boy during his sister‘s 3 year old birthday. It was delightful to see how much she‘s grown, and to be reminded how incredibly small and fragile we are in the beginning. Cliché, perhaps, but poignantly true: they grow up so fast… Next Saturday is Þorkatla‘s 1 year old birthday. I can‘t believe it‘s been a year already.

In between, I lift things. I can feel myself getting stronger. I want to stay active. Going swimming with Hilmir, pole fitness with Amanda, going for the occasional solitary walk to clear my head… anything to keep moving. I love this momentum, and it‘s transferring into every aspect of my life.

Moving.

Weathering

You’d never guess I was an introvert by my social calendar.

My only ‘private time’ these days is in the gym. Which is hardly private, but I block out the world with music and single-minded focus. One more rep. Maintain posture.

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine, about the ideal of happiness and actual happiness. If pursuing happiness is detrimental to your health, can it be happiness? It’s a pertinent question, especially to someone as relentless as me. I push myself too hard, but maybe the rewards are worth it?

A leap of faith is an exhilerating moment.
Unless you fall. Then it quickly loses its grandeur…